Taoism: Shit happens
Confucionism: Confucius says: “Shit happens”
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Sufism: The wise man notices shit happening
Christian Science: If shit happens, pray for it to get better
Solipsism: Shit happens because I wish it
Mysticism: Just experience shit happening
Asceticism: If shit happens, renounce it
Agnosticism: We don’t know why shit happens
Gnosticism: I know why shit happens
Atheism: Shit just happens and that’s all there is to it
Cartesianism: Shit happens to me, therefore I exist
Platonism: There is ideal shit happening somewhere
Stoicism: I don’t care if shit happens
Epicureanism: Let’s party while shit doesn’t happen
Cynicism: Of course shit happens
Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence
Terrorism: Shit will happen unless you do as I say
Pollyanism: It’s so nice that shit happens!
Puritanism: Shit can happen all day as long as you don’t call it that
Behaviourism: You are conditioned to having shit happen
Freudianism: If shit happens, it’s your mother’s fault
Parapsychology: Shit happens without material causes
Surrealism: Purple shit happens near melting clocks
Cubism: If shit happens, you won’t recognize it
Cultural Relativism: Shit happens everywhere differently
Optimism: If shit happens, we’ll find a way to use it
Pessimism: If shit happens, there won’t be enough for everybody
Tabloid Sensationalism: Green shit from Mars happens to Elvis clone
Biblical Creationism: Shit happens because God created it
Secular Humanism: Shit happens because it evolved from primitive shit
Scientific Reductionism: If shit happens, find out what kind exactly
Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases
Bureaucracy: I don’t care if shit happens as long as you fill out the forms
Feminism: Women demand to have shit happen
Ecology: If organic shit happens, it’s OK
Capitalism: Let’s profit from shit happening
Socialism: If shit happens, let’s distribute it equally
Patriotism: Our shit is better than your shit
Conservatism: They don’t make shit happen like they used to
Liberalism: Shit shouldn’t happen tomorrow
Classical Physics: Shit does not ‘happen’, it just moves around
Quantum Physics #1: Shit happens but you can’t say both where and when
Quantum Physics#2: Shit happens in discrete quanta called shitons
Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once
Microcomputing: If shit happens, we’ll fix it in the next version
Computer Science: All shit can in principle happen on a Turing Machine
Applied Mathematics: The probability of shit happening approaches unity
Engineering: When shit happens, paint over
Medicine: If shit happens, take two Aspirins and call me in the morning
Economics: Shit happens because there’s a great demand for it
Politics: If shit happens, make a deal with it
Diplomacy: Let’s pretend shit doesn’t happen
